Thursday, October 20, 2011

Blowing off some steam...

I read quite a few blogs and lot of the bloggers that I follow are mothers. I love hearing about the silly things their kids are doing and saying and seeing their adorable faces.

While I read blogs that have to do with infertility, too, I don't read as many of those. I sort of steer away from them. I think maybe it's because I've got my own infertility issues that I'm dealing with and I just want to forget about them for a little while, reading blogs about infertility just makes me more mad.

 It's not fair that we all have to go through this stupid thing called infertility. Reading blogs about infertility just makes it more "in your face", to me. At the same time, I want to be there to support my friends that are going through it, too, so I try to visit the blogs that I do follow fairly often.

Infertility is not fair.

I'm tired of having to be strong.

I'm tired of Letting Go and Letting God.

I'm tired of having Faith that everything is in His hands and maybe some day I'll have a child.

I'm tired of waiting.

I'm tired of researching.

I'm tired of just relaxing.

I'm tired of changing my diet to have a more fertile body.

I'm frickin sick and tired of dealing with stupid frickin infertility!

I don't want to Learn a Lesson from all of this.

I just want a family.

I want a mini-me and a mini-Jamie.

You know what? Those teenage girls that got pregnant didn't have to have Faith that they could get pregnant. They just did in a moment of hot and heavy.

Those druggie's didn't have to Let Go and Let God. They just had sex, with drugs in their system, and got pregnant.

And add to that, there's those that get pregnant and decide they don't want "the fetus" and abort it without giving that child a chance to be born and grow up to be someone, whether they kept it or gave it up for adoption. {and I'm sure I just pissed a bunch of people off. sorry.}

There's also those like The Duggar's that just keep on frickin multiplying. I mean. Seriously. SHARE THE WATER! I'd gladly take a sip if I could just have a fraction of the amount of kids they have!

So why is it that I can't just hop into bed with my husband and get up pregnant?

Some of these infertile bloggers that I read have SO MUCH FAITH that they're eventually going to get pregnant and I feel like I've got zip, ziltch, nada. And I don't WANT to HAVE to have Faith. Period.

I don't want a growing experience any longer!

I think 10 years is long enough!

And then I also have an internal fight going on with myself over jealousy.

I'm jealous of those that have children.

I'm jealous of those infertile's that do get pregnant.

I'm jealous of those that have all that Faith.

I'm jealous of those that are actually getting somewhere in their fight against infertility.

I'm jealous of those that have the money to do everything under the sun to have a baby, whether it's treatments or adoption.

I'm jealous of those that have husbands that are totally on board with everything that goes with infertility.

I'm jealous of those that have husbands that actually express their feelings about the infertility.

I hate jealousy.

I hate the feeling of being jealous all the time.

Infertility just frickin SUCKS!

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